7. August 2012
Minimally, to enhance my natural features. I forbade Zhang He from bringing the fuschia and glitter within a 10-li radius of my face.

Minimally, to enhance my natural features. I forbade Zhang He from bringing the fuschia and glitter within a 10-li radius of my face.

28. July 2012

Anonymous asked:

“Does your lack of pants ever get you into trouble on drunk Fridays?”

It has led me to prove my rocklike nature in ways that shall never be recorded in the annals of Wei’s history, and which left me in pain for a week thereafter.

9. May 2012

Anonymous asked:

“From that condom ad I understood that you have an ungodly stone-hard erection. Am I correct?”

I have a certain passion in my loincloth, and I do not hesitate to show it.

5. May 2012

Anonymous asked:

“Is there a underlying reason you are called "The Rock", lord Cao Ren?”

My recent endeavors in product sponsorship might bear some relation to that nickname.

18. April 2012

Anonymous asked:

“Master Cao Ren, what is your opinions on Master Cao Hong?”

Cousin Hong has little control over his mouth or his men. I’m unsure how he succeeds in battle with such ill discipline, but I suppose it is a credit to his leadership ability. Hong does have a streak of duty and humility, shown when he gave up his horse to ensure Lord Cao Cao’s safe retreat. Perhaps this sensibility shines brighter than his arrogance. 

7. April 2012

Anonymous asked:

“Do you have a undying sexual desire for castles? It seems that you really liked Fan Castle, and wanted to do activities that would involve in the methods of reproduction, but what was your emotional reaction when Lord Guan Yu of Shu attacked your beautiful castle? Also, what was your other reaction when Wu's Horse General, Lu Meng came to join in the methods of reproduction? Did Fan Castle had a new born that would eventually grow into a larger one?”

Castles appeal to my protective nature and a certain appreciation of grandeur. There is an undeniable allure in thick walls of packed earth, in flags rising high on the ramparts, in gates opened wide to new friends and shut tight against intruders. Perhaps my affinity for these structures is greater than mere professional concern, and perhaps this is why I take such offense at the rumor that I considered retreating when Guan Yu attacked. At that point, Fancheng had been my home base for a good several years. I had been committed to its safety from the very first day. Some of my advisers feared that defense would be futile. I cannot help but toot my own war horn at proving my instincts correct.

Lu Meng played his part in the campaign by sneaking into Jing from behind, bringing the province to its knees without a single civilian death. In admiration for such disciplined bloodlessness and steadfast refusal of reward, I found a mutually pleasurable way to return the favor. Some months later, I received reports of an odd structure arisen in the east. I cannot say with certainty that it resulted from our diplomatic intercourse, but I have my suspicions.
31. March 2012

askzhouyu asked:

“How are you enjoying your new tanuki form? I keep resisting the urge to look in your pants.”

I must say it is trying my patience. Perhaps I can harness its vagaries to blow off steam. Do forgive the pun.

My visibility is limited. My breastplate is polished to a mirror shine from good luck rubs. There is also the matter of a dance that Yuan constantly requests from me.

25. February 2012

askboyan asked:

“Lord Cao Ren, please answer these questions in well-considered fashion: If Master Lu Meng turns into a woman, your first thought would be? Your first (re)action would be?”

I would wonder if Zuo Ci had been in the mood for a prank, or if the transformation had been done at your lord’s request. I would then move to shield him from cousin Yuan’s pestering about the merits of having breasts without hair.

As to more intimate relations, I believe that my preferences would remain flexible. I have fathered heirs, after all.

2. February 2012

askzhouyu asked:


I have yet to encounter a corgi, though they must be extraordinary animals to rouse a cool and collected man as yourself to such unpunctuated enthusiasm. Cousin Yuan seems content with his furry and boisterous adulthood, so I can’t disagree with aspirations to such.

2. February 2012

Anonymous asked:

“boxers or briefs?”

I prefer the security and comfort of a classic loincloth. However, I am amenable to alternatives, especially when reinforced with metal for the battlefield.